Small Victories

Its amazing how you can create a task list that accomplishes practically nothing, but still never finish it. My week is getting better, but it its more due to acceptance than a change in reality. I think I feel guilty more than anything for thinking and writing what I did last week. Guilty because I actually think those things, guilty because it frustrates the people I love and guilty for not being able to talk to anyone about it.

My to-do list to keep on the positive side of things for the week:
- Send wedding and shower gifts to all the weddings and showers I've missed
- Order supplies for the twins arrivals. I might not know what paint color to get, but I can still pick out diaper cream and pacifiers.
- Order pictures for Derek's baby book
- Ensure disability benefits are up to date

Not exactly a life list, but at least it keeps me focused on the week ahead. Greg starts contract work for my old business. Part of me is glad he's getting out of the house and the other part is jealous that I want to be out of the house too! Maybe for my 32 week appointment I'll squeeze in a Twilight movie...

Not an easy week

So this hasn't been an easy week. I think I've been more frustrated at bed rest than before, and after going to the doctors and finding out that Baby A (we're calling him Alfalfa for now) is measuring very small, well, I'm just not having an easy week. I feel like I've reached the point where you should hit the bottom or the corner should have turned by now, but I'm still falling and still pulling left.

Bed rest is one of those things that I thought I would be good at. I am a self proclaimed procrastinator and lazy. I'll admit it. Normally, if I could lay on the couch verses cleaning the kitchen, the couch wins every time. Now, its a daily struggle. Sometimes hourly or even minute by minute struggle. How can you be on bed rest and not find the time to shower? I don't think the issue is the time, I think its my motivation. I have none. Its like the frustration at being on bed rest at times is all consuming.

So after I reread all of this, then I feel like crap because I feel guilty for even thinking these things. I should feel happy and glad that I have a reason for bed rest and that my twins are growing and getting stronger every day. Its a never ending cycle. I'm hoping that letting it out just this once makes me feel like I've said it and I can move on. Maybe I'm just pouting because I didn't get to see Sex and the City with my sisters. I didn't get to celebrate my anniversary or Mother's Day or Father's Day or my husbands birthday. All very petty stuff I realize, but hey - thats why I'm going to blog about it --- its out there, and no one really reads it.

I think I've started over five blogs by now. I've started them, and never looked back. Or I've hated the name I created. Who does that? Who doesn't write a blog just because they think the original name they created is silly? Me. Thats who.

My sisters and friends have all started blogs and some of them have written more than one post - others are in the same boat as me. Good intentions, not so great follow through.

So, I'm giving this another try. Not starting from scratch, but somewhere. My goal for this week -- get at least two posts -- focusing on where I'm at with bedrest and my pregnancy. I figure, if I give myself a small goal, I've got a more realistic chance of meeting it!